My first confession

I'm really afraid. I'm not sure if it's just part of my personality or what, but I'm generally a pretty scared person. Theoretically, I know that not much can go wrong (at least not as wrong as I image) yet I still fear.

Last January, I believe that God confirmed in my heart that he wants me to pursue ordination in the Presbyterian Church (USA). I have been going to seminary for one year at a Wesleyan School, yet my home church is PC(USA). Up until that point, I was afraid because I was not sure where my life was going. I then became scared that I was in the wrong place.

I had a meeting with the Committee for Preperation in Ministry last tuesday. It was probably the worst interview I have ever had, yet they approved me. They also asked me to look into a different seminary. I applied to Pittsburgh, and it looks like i'll be transfering at the end of the summer (if i'm accepted and they have housing). It's cheaper and there are more opportunities. I'm now afraid we won't get housing.

My wife has been complaining that she's not gaining any experience in her job. Today, she got demoted to a bagger at the store where she works. She is a waitress. Well, she was before she quit. I'm also afraid we won't have money to move.

I can go on and on, because I have a long history of living and fearing. Yet, Jesus teaches us not to fear. Jesus said: "Do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

It's good to note how faithful God is to me even when I am unfaithful to him in my doubt and fear. My fear brings stress and doubt into my life. Yet Christ wants to redeem us from these things! It's so satisfying to realize that if we seek God's kingdom first, and his righteousness, he will provide everything that we truely need.